A Letter From The Past

September 8th:

Yesterday I received a self-addressed envelope containing letter that I had written to myself while at Pondy this summer. When I first saw it I was like, "Who the heck addresses me as 'Miss Cunningham'?!" Then recognized my handwriting. Smooth. The SWAK written on the back should have clued me in too. SWAK is sealed with a kiss, in the case that you did not know that.

The letter went like this:

" Dear Annie,
...Do you remember what you learned during your last week at Mount Hermon Ponderosa? We talked about vanity and humility and how a person can't have both -and since humility comes through God, you can't have both vanity AND God. Charlie (speaker and camp director) told of how he prayed that God would take away his vanity and gift him with Christ's humility. As a result, Charlie was humbled in his community and in his relationships, but he felt closer to God than ever and no longer relied on self-pride.
...On July 24, night of the DOS (discipline of silence), you realized why God didn't "show up" the way you expected and wanted Him to. The reason was that you hadn't given up your vanity yet - well, you didn't WANT to yet. You knew that there would be changes and that you would be humbled and you didn't want that yet. You knew you needed to pray for God to take away your vanity before you could feel one with Him again, but you weren't ready. Are you ready now? You KNOW this is the only way. Find a friend and ask to pray with them. But don't just go through the motions - you have to MEAN it. Please do this soon. I'll be praying for you!
Lots of Love,
Annie Cunningham "

Reading that was convicting. Because, in all honestly, I have let myself down. I have not gotten to the point where I am ready to give up my vanity forever. I feel like my pride and narcissism are a big part of who I am, my personality, and, a little bit, they're something that makes me a little more lovable. I don't know if I'd know who I was anymore without my vanity.

Now, part of me is like, "Um, Annie, you're being STUPID - vanity is a sin, obviously bad, God no like, so JUST GIVE IT UP!". The other part is the scared, insecure little girl who fears that even if she did try to give it up, she would ultimately fail and disappoint herself and her Creator. So when it comes down to it, I'm scared of failing. Gosh, that's hard to admit.

I'm also a little scared of the way(s) that God is gonna humble me. I'm vain for a lot of reasons, and I can't imagine how I would react if any of them were taken away from me.

Also, I lied with the "I'll be praying for you!" bit. I haven't been. I may have for a day or two, but not since. I've been feeling very distant from God in the past couple months, and that makes it hard for me feel like praying is worth it. I'm not in fear of losing my faith - I know God loves me always and I know I love Him, but it's just hard for me to FEEL it right now. Sometimes when I don't feel God there all the time, I get apathetic and that results in a really lame, unfulfilling spiritual life.

So, I'm thinking about resealing the envelope and having my parents send it to me in a few months at college. Maybe by then I'll be ready. I know in my hear that right now I'm not ready and would only be going through the motions if I tried now.

Thoughts? Questions? Concerns?

Keep it classy guys~